Scott William Carter

Obama Budget Proposes Eliminating Republicans

February 3, 2010February 3, 2010Scott William Carter

Washington — In a little noticed provision in the new budget released by the White House, President Obama has proposed eliminating Republicans from both houses of Congress. Press secretary Robert Gibbs had this to say:

“The President believes that American families are tightening their belts, so the government should do the same. Eliminating Republicans will save millions in payroll expenses, not to mention their generous health care and pension benefits. It may not seem like much — and I’m sure Republicans will complain that it’s just a tiny fraction of the overall budget — but every lit bit does help.”

When pressed for details, Gibbs would only say that President Obama would be releasing a statement later in the day explaining his reasoning behind this decision.

Late Update: President Obama’s full statement is below.

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The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release – February 03, 2010

By now most of you have heard about a provision in the new budget which proposes to eliminate Republicans from both houses of Congress. Since this has caused a little stir in our conflict-driven media, I wanted to set the record straight about what this provision will and won’t do.

It is true that this provision will eliminate all Republican persons in Congress, thereby saving American taxpayers millions in wasteful spending. However, we are not proposing eliminating Republican votes — which would be a violation of the very Constitution I’ve sworn to protect. We will be replacing Republicans with life-size cardboard cutouts that will be placed behind their desks in the Senate and the House, which to the casual viewer on CSPAN will look no different than the real flesh and blood Senator or Representative.

Since Republicans have consistently voted no on every piece of legislation since I took office — even those traditional areas of Republican concern like fiscal responsibility (GOP Senators voted 40-0 against reinstituting PAYGO procedures) — then it’s become apparent that we don’t need real Republicans to cast these votes. Instead, Congress will be hereby instructed to assume that all Republicans in either chamber will be voting no on all bills going forward.

As I said recently, I’m not an ideologue. I’m pragmatic. This provision will not by itself turn around our economy, but it’s one in a series steps that we are taking to return to an era of fiscal responsibility. When such a time occurs that we again see budget surpluses — last seen during the Clinton presidency — we will review this policy to see if the economy can sustain having physical GOP representatives again in Congress.

Sincerely,

President Barack Obama

P.S. To oversee this effort, I’ve created The Political Reinvestment in Real Ideas Commission , or what is now be calling PRRIC for short.

Note to Self: Exercise Can Cause Pain

February 2, 2010February 2, 2010Scott William Carter

Note to Self: When you haven’t played five-on-five basketball in, oh, at least ten years, it’s probably not a good idea to go a good two hours doing so in a misguided attempt to prove that you are still as fit as you never really were. You’ll realize the truth of this in the morning when you experience pain in muscles you never knew you had.

Note to Self #2: Actually exercising once in a while (and no, moving a computer mouse doesn’t count) in preparation for playing five-on-five basketball could lessen the pain you feel the next morning.

Note to Self #3: This will be repeated the next time you play basketball — and every time hereafter — unless you heed Note #2.

Games Writers Play #3: Track Your Word Counts

February 2, 2010February 2, 2010Scott William Carter

I learned early on that if I didn’t mark down, in black and white, how much I was actually writing, then it was very easy to lie to myself about my productivity. Oh, sure, I’d tell myself, I’ve missed a few days here and there, but overall I’ve been pretty good at cranking out the copy. The reality, however, was that it was easy to overestimate my word counts and underestimate how many days I was missing.

So what I do is use what I call a “Writing Productivity” spreadsheet. I use Microsoft Excel, but you could even do it by hand if you prefer. At a minimum, you’ll want columns for your daily word count, a monthly running total, an annual running total, and an area to jot a few notes about what you were writing. (Those notes can come in handy later, believe me, when you want some idea on what you were working on when, or how long it took you to finish a particular project.) I use Excel to calculate the results automatically, but you could use a trusty calculator as you go along too.

Tracking your word counts will help you in a number of ways:

It helps you see that you’re treating your craft seriously.
It’s another way to build momentum.
It encourages you to focus on something you can control (your productivity) rather than on factors outside your control (publication)

Here’s a link to the spreadsheet I’ve been using for the last couple years (minus my own word counts, of course). It’s pretty much good to go, though having a working understanding of Microsoft Excel is probably helpful.

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Conversations with Poe: Salinger

February 1, 2010January 30, 2010Scott William Carter

Poe: So I heard J.D. died the other day.

Scott: J.D.? As in Salinger?

Poe: Yes, didn’t you hear?

Scott: Oh, I heard. I’m just curious how the news got to you since I don’t have the Internet or the radio in here.

Poe: Oh, you know, when you’re a famous writer, you tend to just know when one among us has passed.

Scott: Ah. Well. You see, you’re not really a famous writer. You’re a fictional construct manifested by my imagination in the form of an action figure.

Poe: Details, details.

Scott: You know, I have been thinking about Salinger lately, though. I have to admit, when I sat down to write The Last Great Getaway of the Water Balloon Boys, there was part of me that really was trying to capture the same authenticity of voice that he did. I’ve even described the story as Catcher in the Rye meets Thelma and Louise.

Poe: So what are you saying? You want to move to New Hampshire and live as a hermit?

Scott: There are days. But no, I’ve been thinking how there’s this rumor Salinger has a safe full of manuscripts. I mean, he hasn’t published anything in over 50 years. He told the New York Times a couple decades ago that he still writes, but just for him. I’ve been thinking about whether that’s a good or bad thing.

Poe: How so? If it makes him happy, what’s the difference?

Scott: To him? None. Catcher made him extraordinarily rich, so he didn’t need to write for money any more. But there’s something about writing for an audience, for readers, that I think demands a certain amount of engagement with the world. Writing is communication, after all. If you’re not communicating with anyone other than yourself, are you still communicating?

Poe: Ah, but that’s not to say my friend J.D. wasn’t writing for readers. He just didn’t feel rushed to share those later works with readers. There’s a big difference between publication and writing. Once it’s written, what’s the difference whether it’s read or not? It doesn’t change what it is. Take the Diary of Anne Frank. An extraordinary work, and yet there’s no indication she was writing for anyone other than herself.

Scott: Well, that’s what I’m driving at. That’s one book, not a career. Sadly, we’ll never know what Frank would have written after that. If I want to become the best storyteller I can be, how can I do that without some kind of feedback? I’m not talking about critics, per se. I’m talking about audience. If you make a movie, how do you know if that movie entertains unless you screen it? But there’s the other side of me that says you’re much more likely to stay true to your own unique vision, your own voice, the less you let others influence you — at least directly. Influences are all around us.

Poe: Perhaps it’s best to do both.

Scott: What do you mean?

Poe: When you’re writing, you write only for you. You shut out all the other voices. But when you’re trying to get better, when you’re trying to learn, you have to be willing to open your mind. That means you might get stung. The key, of course, is to be able to shake off criticism without ignoring it completely. It’s a balancing act.

Scott: I agree . . . Hey, since good old J.D. is your pal, do you know if there really are dozens of manuscripts locked away?

Poe: You’ll know soon enough.

Scott: Hey now! How about some gratitude? I do put a roof over your head.

Poe: Put an Internet connection in here and you’ll see some gratitude.