My Mistress

She lurks in the shadows of my soul,
a whiff of smoke on the back of a dream,
a dream without a waking,
a waking without a dream,
a bit of black lace,
that is not what it seems.

She says I can be great.
Great, she says,
with a capital G.
What will it take, I ask.
What is the fee?
Just everything you have,
and everything you can be.
But I make no promises to you,
and I make no promises to me.

Then why do it, I demand,
when you give me no assurance,
and you give me no guarantee?
Because, she says,
I have already chosen you,
Just as you have chosen me.
We are the same, you and I:
A whiff of smoke
on the back of a dream.

My 2005 Writing in Review

Someone once said to me that the only difference between a professional fiction writer and one who treats it as a hobby – or really, any art or craft — is the level of obsession. After treating writing as a hobby for the majority of my life, four years ago I decided to up my obsession level, and one of the ways I track my dedication is by doing a year-end review of what I’ve accomplished. I was dreading it this year, since, for various reasons I won’t go into here, the last four months of the year were pretty much lost. Here’s how it panned out:

Words of original fiction: 242,355
New stories written: 19
New novels written: 2
Story sales: 12
Novel sales: 0
Total story sales thus far: 25
Stories in the mail at the end of the year: 32
Publications this year: 6
Books read: 20
Money made in 2005: $1625.72

And in the end, I was pleasantly surprised, since the year stacks up well against the last three (in the high-obsession era). That word count is the equivalent of four novels, though half of it went to short stories. I had more sales and appearances than any other year. I was a little disappointed in the number of books read, since a writer needs to keep feeding the mind to stay fresh, but since I hardly read anything the last third of the year, it’s not too bad. Anyone who thinks there’s a lot of money in short stories probably just had their bubble burst, but you don’t write short stories for the money. You write them for the love of them, to build your skills as a writer, and to make a name for yourself if and when you go to sell your novels. I no longer track rejections, since it’s a meaningless number, and it seemed all the more meaningless after I racked up 500 of them. I learned long ago that selling a story often has more to do with connecting with the right editor at the right time than it does on the quality of the story. And since this is the case, there’s no reason to take rejection personally. Hard to do in actual practice, but reminding myself of this fact helps.

I don’t post these numbers to brag, but just as a reminder to anyone who thinks luck is a major factor in a writer’s (or any artist’s) success that it has a lot more to do with work ethic than anything else. You can overwhelm just about any run of bad luck with massive amounts of work. And if you do have some bad luck sometime during your year – I certainly did this year – all that hard work when things were going well might pleasantly surprise you – as it did me – when you add up the numbers.

Now on to 2006! I feel productive, and since I know that I’ll probably have some twists and turns during the year that’ll get in the way of the writing . . . well, I better make the most of this time while it lasts, right?

Note: Since I don’t believe I’ve mentioned it on the blog yet, a couple weeks ago I made my 25th short story sale: “The Grand Mal Reaper,” a tale of a man who suffers from seizures and another, more sinister, affliction, to Realms of Fantasy, the leading fantasy magazine.

Today Is My 100th Birthday

Change is hard. We all know that. If you’re like me, sometimes you feel like your life is a freight train on rails, and that the only way to change the train’s direction is to lay down new tracks. But here’s an exercise I thought of recently, a variation on ones you may have heard before, and I’ve found it to be a powerful tool for creating positive change in your life. It’s also the type of exercise that seems to fit well into the things I usually write.

Imagine today is your 100th birthday. You’re having a party, and you’re surrounded by people who care about you. A grandfather clock in the corner ticks away the passing moments. You’re sitting in a rocking chair looking at a birthday cake. It’s your favorite kind. You don’t see so well these days, but when you squint you can make out all those shining candles quite clearly. You’ve lived a long life, a life that is rich and textured with memories like patches on a quilt. However, you do have a few regrets, things you would change if you could. Perhaps you wish you would have tried a little harder to achieve some personal dream. Become a professional fiction writer? Made a go of being an actor in Hollywood? Taken a stab at being a dancer on Broadway? Maybe you wish you would have seen more of Europe. Or Australia. Maybe it’s something smaller. Did you ever rock climb? Did you ever learn to sail? Or sing? Maybe you wish you would have reached out to people who slipped by you, or mended fences with people who faded into your past. Perhaps you wish you would have gotten closer to a few people in particular, the kindred spirits you met along the way. Your soul would have been richer for it. You know it’s true.

It was a good life, a great life, but you know it could have been better. It could have been a lot better.

So you close your eyes, take as deep a breath as you can manage, and blow out all the candles. You make a wish, and the wish is this: you want to be transported back into the body of whatever age you are right now. You want one more chance to make the most of things. And when you open your eyes, you find that you have been miraculously transported through time. You find yourself sitting in this chair, staring at this computer screen, reading this message. A life of promise and possibilities lies before you, but it’s up to you to make things happen.

Somewhere in the future, the grandfather clock is ticking.

What are you going to do now?

Everybody’s a Critic

Taking care of my two-year-old daughter while my wife visits a friend this week, I have a growing appreciation for single parents who also manage to be productive writers. And then there was our exchange last night when I was putting her to bed, which makes me afraid she might be a budding critic . . .

Katie: Daddy, I love you.
Scott: Oh, I love you, too honey. I love you very much. I love you as much as the sky is blue and the grass is green.
Katie: (thinks a moment): Daddy?
Scott: Yes, hon?
Katie: I’m not grass. I’m Katie.