Kat: But I hate that!

Me: I need to know you’ve got the rhythm down.

Kat: No! It’s embarrassing!

Me: Why is it embarrassing?

Kat: Because Calvin’s listening!

Me: Calvin? He’s four years old. He doesn’t care about you playing the
piano. Half the time, he forgets to put on his underwear. Does he act
embarrassed?

Kat: No.

Me: Well, there you go.

Son:  I love everyone!  I love everyone in the whole world. 

Mom:  Oh, that’s very nice, honey.

Son:  Even you, Mommy.

Mom:  Oh. Don’t you mean especially me?

Son:  I love my teeth.  I brush them.

Mom:  That’s very good.

Son:  It’s good to brush your teeth.

Me:  I don’t want to hear any whining, though.  Whiners don’t get donuts.

Son:  I’m not a baby. Babies cry like a baby.

Me:  That’s true.  It’s okay to cry sometimes, though.  Just not when eating donuts.

Son:  Yeah.  Babies don’t get to eat donuts.

Me:  No, they don’t.

Son:  I like donuts.

My website and blog:  http://www.scottwilliamcarter.com

Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/people/Scott-William-Carter/600351984

Myspace:  http://www.myspace.com/scottwilliamcarter

I’ve been experimenting with posting a little more, though I’ll never be one of those people who blogs about what he had for breakfast.  The key, for me, is to do it in a way where the cost doesn’t outweigh the benefit.  I find the Internet in general very addictive, and since I have so little time for my fiction what with the day job, two kids, and everything else, I have to go to great pains to make sure I don’t spend an excessive amount of time sitting in front of a computer not writing fiction.  That said, I find the social networking sites to be a fun way to connect with both good friends and casual acquaintances, as well as to network with people in which you have a common interest — like writing!

Speaking of writing, my productivity is back where I want it to be, which took me a long time to achieve after my son was born.  Most of this had more to do with me finding the right approach, since the “write in the evening” method was no longer working.  Now I just squeeze it in whenever I can, withholding all those guilty pleasures I love so much (like the Internet) until I’ve met my daily word count.  It’s not ideal, but it’s getting me to write (translate:  practice) as much I as I need to, and that’s what matters.

About two-thirds the way through a mystery, with a character I wouldn’t mind writing a while slew of novels about.  After that, I have to finish the YA book that would be a good follow-up to Water Balloon Boys; I’d already written the first 50 pages and a proposal, so that one’s well on its way.  I just mailed off another short story featuring a character that’s appearing in Analog next month — a sort of Travis McGee in space named Dexter Duff.  It’s the first time I’ve written a short story with the same character and I really enjoyed it.  I’ve also committed to writing one short story a month.  I’d been focusing a lot more on novels the last two years, writing only a handful of short stories, thinking this was necessary because of the demands on my time, but I was cranky from not writing them.  Plus I can experiment and stretch in ways that are easier.  There are lots of benefits; I just have to maintain the balance between the two.

And, on the personal front, our house remodel is nearly finished.  It’s been a crazy couple of months living with my mother (I never thought that would happen again), but we’re a week away from moving back in, and it’s going to be a great house to raise our family in.  There’s a long list of projects waiting for us even after we move in, but that’s all right.  It’ll be nice sleeping in our own beds again.

What else?  Kat just turned six.  Can you believe?  She’s almost in first grade.  Calvin’s three and growing up fast.  Me, I realized I’m now twice the age of the kids graduating from high school.  Ouch.

You can either invent a fiction to believe in, or you can try to put it out of your mind as best you can.  Otherwise you’ll be overcome with grief — not sadness, but grief.  You’ll grieve for your own eventual death and for the eventual death of everyone around you.  It’s not a way to live. And topping it off is the cruel possibility that your life could be winked out unexpectedly at any moment.  

The one good thing is that it does make you appreciate everyone around you.  You feel more sympathy.  You realize that everyone is on the same road, even if they are on different journeys.  We are alone, and yet we are together.  It is the great irony of humankind. 

So I sit and watch my children playing before me.  Children are born and live with the cherished myth of an everlasting life.  Then one day they, too, feel the death-pangs of grief for the first time, and that will be  beginning of the end of their childhoods.  It is sad and poignant and you wish you could spare them from it, but you can’t.  No one can.  You shelter them for a little while, maybe, and that’s part of parenting, but in the end they have to become just as fully human as you. 

So what do I do?  I go on living.  I go on parenting and being a good husband.  I love.  I try not to do harm.  I write, because it’s something I’m somewhat good at, and because I want to become my best self.  Occasionally, I write about things like this, because I don’t want to shy away from the shadows or the light.  It’s all I can do.  

And in the end, you decide to appreciate the gifts the universe has given you.  You didn’t have to be born, after all.  Ever think about that?

Calvin: No!

Me: Oh, come on. Daddy’s tired, so you need to drive us home. I’ll ride in the car seat.

Calvin: No! I might hit people’s dogs!

Me: Well, that’s very thoughtful of you. What about the people? Aren’t you worried about hitting them?

Calvin: [Silence]

“And that’s why you wear seat belts!” she said.